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I don’t write reviews professionally any more, and I’m trying to live my third third as a less judgey person. I’ve seen friends look a bit surprised when I get mean about a singer or movie. I can just not like it without a stack of insults. It’s really hard to get out of the habit.
Instead, I’m trying to figure out how to move my life out of a dilapidated shared house in Detroit, where I’ve been staying with an old friend after being priced out of my hometown. As kind as it was for my friend to invite me to stay here, he does not maintain his house in any way and it’s starting to fall apart, As is he – alas, dementia has been coming on, which is both sad and infuriating.
I’m also trying to refrain from going on and on about specific political shit, because I do that on Bluesky. So just remember that I’m writing this in a country that’s well on its way to becoming a dictatorship.
I always wondered why Jews in Germany simply didn’t just pretend to be non-Jewish. I get it now. This is the point where I could think about some pretending, but those trains (not just denying my race but denying my politics) have already left the station. Can’t wipe the internet. It’s never 100% safe to be a Jew anywhere, I’ve always known that – but I didn’t think America would turn into THIS.
So yes, I came to stay with a friend in Detroit because it was the pandemic and I had no money and had to leave my Brooklyn apartment. It was my only choice; friends who had offered me a place to stay in Albany took back the offer. What I didn’t count on is that it’s impossible to live here without a car. I expected the bus system to be useful, but it isn’t at all. I have never driven and am somewhat scared of it, and I’m so resentful that my life is so closed-down because of it.
And now I know what it’s like to live in a food desert. In walking distance, I have: a dollar store, a “party store” (convenience store that is mostly liquor and lottery tickets), a pharmacy, one “Coney Island” (=diner), and a you-buy-we-fry fish place. (You-buy-we-fry is a way for people to get around the prohibition on using SNAP to buy cooked food. You buy the raw fish with SNAP, and they cook it for you “as a favor.” Too bad no one gets SNAP this month.) There’s also an urgent care and car parts and car repair. It’s kind of cruddy, the little shopping stretch, and the pavements are all broken because pedestrians are a low form of life around here.
I can’t visit New York any more because I have no place to stay. Used to stay with the only friends I had there who were rich enough to have the space for overnight guests. They canceled a visit I was supposed to make in three weeks; their daughter, who lives with them, is a teacher and was having a problem with one kid and was upset and crying all the time. I was assured it wasn’t personal, they weren’t having any guests. A couple months later, at Christmas, I said to the husband, “I guess Zoe [daughter] is glad it’s Christmas break.” He asked why. I said, “she’s getting a break from that awful kid.” He said, “Oh, that kids transferred out.” I asked if they were having houseguests again, and he said, “No – uh, another bad kid could transfer in at any time.” I said, “So you’re not having any houseguests until Zoe retires from the school system?” (I should mention that their house is always filled with houseguests – they can sleep seven apart from the family.) He didn’t answer. So I was being lied to, it WAS personal, and I had no idea what it was about. She never called me again. I kept asking him to tell me the truth. He wouldn’t, and suddenly was not returning calls or emails on the regular. (Did I mention that he’s been my friend since the late 70s?) I gave him one more chance to tell the truth, which he did not, and I just told him to fuck off. How are we supposed to fix a problem or issue if they won’t admit there is one? I’m not at an age where I can afford to lose friends, but I can’t tolerate being lied to, or having some strange problem floating around that I have no way to solve. It hurt a lot to lose those friends. It sucks not to be able to visit NYC. It sucks to be stuck in Detroit. I can’t get a job without a car, and I can’t move out without bringing in some money.
Current fantasy: my stepmother does the right thing and leaves me half her money. (My dad didn’t even leave life insurance for my brother and me. And yes, they were somewhat well-off.) Then I will get my ass a license, buy a good car, and buy a little lake house in southwestern Michigan (with a few bedrooms so I can have guests). Rest of the money buys an annuity. I enjoyed that area of the state when the BF and I were there; there are also lovely places up north, but it’s COLD there. There are so many lakes in the state that there are lake houses in every price range. I saw a nice one online with three bedrooms for about $225K.
Don’t get me wrong – there’s a lot of nice stuff in and around this area. Detroit is not a bad city. It’s just that it’s so spread out, and impossible to get around without a car. A couple of weeks ago, I had a concert ticket and was going by myself; Uber ran me $50 there and back. I’m lucky to have some good friends living two doors down, and we do a lot together: he and I go to the gym three times a week, and shop together, including Eastern Market (huge-ass farmer’s market) on Saturday mornings. (I’m getting to like couple-friends.) He went to high school and college with the BF, which is how I met him. (Alas, BF lives across the country and the relationship is kind of fading over the distance.) I love my neighbors. I love my (infuriating) roomie and his GF. They’re pretty much my only friends here, and I’m grateful for them.
It’s not the same, of course, from the old friends I left behind. Lost all of the acquaintance, too – that nice guy you always saw in the elevator, the pharmacist, the woman on the block with the adorable dog, the friendly pharmacist. Lost my trusted doctors, my favorite restaurants, the convenience of being able to go pretty much anywhere without a car. I’m keeping up as best I can with two old friends there, and one in New Jersey, one in Texas. It’s not a big group. Losing that couple in New York is really killing me; I’m never going to get the chance to have another 45-year friendship. But you can’t be friends with people who don’t want to be your friend.
The lying is really the worst. I hate being lied to because the liar is assuming that I’m stupid enough to swallow the lie. It makes me very angry, apart from being sad. My friend should have known – no, he absolutely DID know – that I was too smart to buy what he was trying to sell. I could probably let go of this more easily if I knew what it was about. Instead, I torment myself, guessing what might have caused it, arguing in my head… I just wish they’d have fucking said, “I don’t like you any more” or “I didn’t like it when you said such-and-such.” My BF, sad to say, is also a conflict-avoider.
I wish I could tell them all to grow the fuck up.
Your Mileage May Vary 